I've come over to my parents' with son whilst daughter spends some time with her Dad.
We've got to talking about next year.
Daughter will be trying a phased return to school again next week. I'm not sure how long to give her to resettle before I try to start work again.
We attempted to go back to 'normal' in September when she started maintenance chemotherapy - under direction from the hospital - however, it didn't work out.
I want to go back to work as it will be a sign that things are going back to normal, that she is getting better. It will also help our financial security as I work full time.
I want to be able to plan things again. I am one of life's planners I think; I like to have things to move towards and goals to achieve. I have spent a year in this limbo of not knowing and not being able to plan anything, and it's really tough. I wish I was the kind of person who lived for the day and worried about tomorrow when tomorrow comes, but I've always liked to try to know what will happen next.
I'm trying to be philosophical about it: this too shall pass, or, it will all work out in the end.
I hope so.
I'm not a very religious person, but I find myself wondering sometimes whether having faith, or God, or a belief in fate and predestination, would help me. Perhaps it would make me feel less responsible for everything? I could allow myself to see what happens without trying to take control of it. Because, ultimately, trying to control everything is impossible. That way madness lies.