A glimpse of what it is like

When they are ill enough to be in hospital, it is clear cut, but when you are trapped in that limbo of normal temperatures but feeling really rough it is so difficult to know what to do.


Daughter went to stay with parents on Saturday.  We stayed overnight too, but came away Sunday morning.  Left son too.  My Mum works full time, so has precious few holidays to spend with them.  Phone call on Sunday night at 8pm to say daughter was running a very high temperature.  So, 2.5hr round trip to pick her up and take her into hospital.  She was finally allowed out at 2.30am as counts weren't too bad and temperature had dropped.


I went to work on 3 hours' sleep on Monday.  (I've also done a total of over 20 hours from home on evenings and weekend since Friday, so a very, very busy week.)  Worked Tuesday too, only to get call from hospital to say that a bug has grown in cultures taken and she will need antibiotics.  Is she ill enough to be admitted?  They ask me.  I'm so very qualified to make that decision!  I say, she's been well enough to leave at home, just very tired.  So, 1hr round trip to hospital to collect a course of antibiotics for next 10 days and she can stay at home.


Get up this morning to get ready for work (I don't get paid for days off), and she looks shocking.  I can't leave her here all day by herself.  Maybe she will need to go in after all.  Temperature is still normal though.


I run into work quickly to drop things off.  And I am so jealous of everyone who can take for granted how they park up, come in, work a day, get paid, go home, work or relax or spend time with their family (their call) and not have this constant grey cloud hanging over them.  The continual worry.  Am I letting her down by going to work?  How will we pay the mortgage if I don't go to work?  Am I letting work down by staying at home?  How will I ever catch up and get back on track, as when this is finally over so many pieces will need picking up and putting back together.  We have to regather this fragmented life.


And poor husband is already on 10 days off.  That leaves 15 for the rest of the year.  Will that mean, once again, no break for him?  Our life is one big sickness and it is unrelenting.


Clinic tomorrow though, and waiting for news on liver.  They want to MRI her (again, I think this will be 3rd or 4th now) to check her heart.  Worrying.  Hopefully they will shed some light on what is happening.


I am going to intersperse this blog with jokes or pictures of Garfield as it is far too gloomy.  Sorry.  Big fat pity party.